On the morning of April 20, 1999, two dark and disturbed young men ended the lives of 12 students and one teacher before the two murderers took their own lives. At the time, The Columbine High School massacre was the largest school shooting in American history. In addition to the innocent murder victims, dozens more were wounded. Thousands of people’s lives were forever altered that day. One of those people is Darrell Scott, father of Rachel Joy Scott. Rachel was the first child killed at Columbine.

I met Darrell Scott on Monday, January 21st of 2013 in League City, Texas, where Darrell was scheduled to be the keynote speaker for The Amoco Federal Credit Union employee’s annual kickoff meeting. Darrell and I had coffee together and two things quickly struck me. The first one is that Darrell is one of the brightest men I have ever met. He is well-read and communicates knowledge and wisdom in a way that engages you. Even more remarkable is that Darrell could laugh. Genuinely laugh. I don’t know how I would be if I lost a child, but his healing allowed him to laugh with an unmistakable gleam in his eyes.

A sequence of events that only God himself could have orchestrated happened which led Darrell and his wife Sandy (Rachel’s stepmom) to found Rachel’s Challenge, the largest organization in the world which is changing the culture of schools through kindness and compassion.

Presenters in schools tell Rachel’s story of reaching out to three groups of students during her short life: Kids who were new at school and usually didn’t have any friends. Kids who were getting picked on (bullied) and kids who were special needs. Rachel didn’t care about popularity. She cared about building community and connecting with her fellow students. A few months prior to her death, Rachel wrote a paper called “My Ethics. My Codes of Life” in which she wrote the following: “Compassion is the greatest form of love humans have to offer. I believe if one person went out of their way to show compassion, it would start a chain reaction of the same. You never know how far a little kindness can go.” Her paper became the foundation of her legacy. As we approach the 25th anniversary of Columbine, over 30 million people have experienced her story. Rachel has been starting chain reactions of kindness and compassion all over the world since her death.

In May of 2015 Darrell and I were having lunch. He was reflecting on all the good that Rachel’s story has accomplished, and at the same time he shared with me his vision for the future of Rachel’s Challenge. Then Darrell got reflective and said something I will never forget. He said, “you know, John, all the good that Rachel’s Challenge has done, the lives it has saved, none of it would have been possible if I had not found it in my heart to forgive the two shooters who murdered my daughter.” Wow. Mic drop moment. Darrell has found forgiveness on a level most of us will never have to experience. Yet, because of his willingness to forgive, school cultures are changed, bullying goes down or goes away altogether, and lives are being saved through Rachel’s story. Every year, Rachel’s Challenge receives hundreds of messages from kids who were going to take their own lives until they heard Rachel’s story. They realized their lives have meaning. Many times, they were going to kill themselves the very day the presenter came to their school. I’m still in awe.

Forgiveness is hard. We live in a broken world which challenges us to show grace and forgiveness to others. And the truth is, we don’t always want to do that. Someone has offended me and dammit, I want them to get what’s coming to them. But here is a little truth for you-not forgiving causes us more harm than any offense. Lack of forgiveness can cause bitterness and resentment. Those will shorten your life, or at least anchor you down from living fully. Not forgiving others can lead to projection and ruin future relationships. We can even get physically sick by not forgiving others.

Make no mistake. Forgiveness is necessary but it only comes at the right time. I grew up in a chaotic, oftentimes violent home. Both of my parents were abusers which caused me a lot of insecurities and difficulties when I became an adult. We never had a relationship, but God knows I tried to. Long after both of their deaths I was able to forgive them, truly forgive them. I haven’t forgotten what they did to me, and I haven’t given them a “hall pass” for it, but I’m free of that metaphorical backpack full of bricks that weighed me down.

It’s not fair for me to talk about forgiveness without sharing with you the way to get there. You must actively practice gratitude. Gratitude changes the biochemistry of your brain. You will begin to see the world through a different lens. That’s what happened with me with my parents. One day it came to me. I saw them for who they were, not just how they treated me. I was able to understand why they were the way they were, and I forgave them. Gratitude works in many other ways in your life, but it gives you the power to forgive. Try it! Write down three things you are grateful for every day. It takes a little work, but it’s only three things. That two minutes of your busy morning will reap wonders. Your brain is working even while you sleep. Try it for three weeks, only 21 days which will take a total of less than one hour. If you aren’t feeling different at the end of the 21 days then stop doing it. But I guarantee you will feel a measurable difference.

Finally, don’t forget to forgive yourself. You know every mistake you have ever made in your life. It’s easy to get trapped in a negative cycle. Remember all the things you have done right and done well. If you ever need to be reminded of your screw ups, ask anyone because others are watching and taking inventory. Forgive yourself. You are human…

Forgiveness

Compassion

Kindness

Youth Suicide